thanks.

I am thankful for

my daughter.

Its funny how God knows what I need better than I do.

my job.

sure it can be stressful when your patient is internally bleeding with a blood pressure of 60/30, having to transfuse blood for the first time and placing a nasogastric tube all in your first month off orientation but I absolutely love what I do. I love it even more knowing this is exactly where I am suppose to be, for now. The prospect of helping people in this way (not just here but overseas) while being stretched and learning new things daily makes me excited this is what God called me to do for the rest of my life.

my husbands job. and my husband.

no longer being in school.

there is not one fiber of being that misses being a student. Every time I see students at work or hear one of those “get ahead; go back to school!” ads on TV my heart says a silent but sincere “thank you” that I never have to and probably never will.

my apartment.

small but mighty it is. I love our tiny place and everything in it.

my family.

and a dependable car. hummus. coffee sleeves. my health. the ability to walk and talk and think for myself and communicate with others. don draper. jacobs well. the chiefs not completely sucking this year. bed sheets. clothes. chipotle burritos. diapers. the means by which to buy these things. mew. colder weather. the library...etc…etc…

and consuming thousands of calories today without an once of guilt.

Little Children

There are very few movies/books that captivate me and keep my mind occupied long after its end. "Little Children" is one of those stories. My stomach churned in desire and angst in this story about lust and adultery, unexplained attraction and expectations in ourselves and others.

One of my favorite parts of the whole book is how the author explains why Todd (the main character) choose to do what he did in the end. It is so painfully and tragically true and at the same time so simple and completely obvious. (vague? It was suppose to be, to spark your interest.) If anyone wants to start a book or movie club and discuss "Little Children," I am all game because I have a lot to say, more than I could ever hope to fit into a blog.

Warning: if you close your eyes during sex scenes or are uncomfortable with "adult" situations, this book is probably not for you. But let's be honest, Patrick Wilson is HAWTT.

Wherever You Go

Wherever You Go by Mike Crawford at Jacobs Well is the most beautiful and honest song I have heard in a very long time. Period. In August, Isaac Anderson preached on Psalms 121 with a message entitled: Song For Fragile People (We Know Who We Are) and to paraphrase: “If this Psalm isn’t true, we are all screwed.” This is the best sermon I have ever heard and trust me, with my evangelical upbringing, I have sat through my fair share of sermons. Go here for the sermon audio: www.jacobswellchurch.org/sermon_audio

There is so much that I love about this message, but my main focus is this: At the end, he says: “This Psalm is for the sleepless, the sick, the single parents, the heartbroken, the helpless, the stressed out, the unemployed, the underpaid, the lonely, the terrified, the guilty, the numb. This Psalm is for anyone whose life is fragile.” (Hence, it is for us all, whether we need this reminder now or at a later time in our lives.) At communion, Mike sang this song, repeating what Isaac had said:

Wherever you go, there will I be.

Down south or up north

out west or back east.

Whichever direction by land or by sea.

Wherever you go there will I be….

I will be hanging around.

I will be on your side.

When it seems like I am far away…

When there is no one left to blame…

When you go astray,

no matter the place, what city or state.

Even today.

Even today.

This song/Psalm* is for the guilty and numb.

This song is for the terrified.

This song is for the stressed out.

YOU know who we are.

This song is for the unemployed.

This song is for the underpaid.

This song is for the single parents.

This song is for the fragile people.

YOU know who we are.

http://mikecrawfordmusic.com/2010/08/my-friend-isaac (Here you can find an acoustic version of the song but it is missing the “rant” that Isaac did at the end of his message, but you can get the idea.) I love the perspective in which this song is written. It’s refreshing to hear God tell me through verse, “I am NEVER going anywhere!” Instead of a sermon or song encouraging me to try and make sense of, or find strength in, or meaning during a tough situation, Isaac simply reminds us that the LORD HIMSELF watches over you. I look back on times in my life where I have felt lonely, stressed out, guilty, terrified: being rejected from Evangel, finding out I was pregnant, taking care of a 2-year-old little boy who had been beaten to a vegetated state by his own mother, standing in the middle of my bedroom up to my ankles in sewer water, watching my mom grieve and slip into a difficult depression (enter your own moment here) and I Thank God that he DID and he DOES know exactly what I am going through.

“I know everything about your life. I am aware. I am not asleep. I am watching over you, HANG IN THERE; I AM RIGHT THERE WITH YOU.”

*For all intent and purposes, throughout this blog, use the word “Psalm” and “Song” interchangeably.

my favorite month of the entire year.

It's already four days into October and the only word I can use to describe fall is "scrumculesent." I love everything about pumpkins, cardigans (sorry mike) football, lattes and sleeping with the windows open. The leaves are beginning to change and it makes my heart smile. I am trying to enjoy and be present each day because I know before I blink my eyes, it will July again.

only the best weekend that ever was.

Lets start with Friday night. I surprised Laura by having Heather, Tanya, Molly and Sydni (friends from college that have since relocated to places other than Kansas City) come up for the weekend for somewhat of a going away party. Laura thought it was just going to be her and I eating at McCoys, when SURPRISE! the girls were waiting at a table for us when we got there.

There are a handful of people in my life that are just good people: Self-confident, non-judgmental, witty, genuine, and simply said, fun to be around. These ladies are some of those friends.

It was a carefree night, giggling like high school-ers. We ate. We laughed. We shared secrets and experiences and gave advice. We stayed up till 4am and paid for it the next day. It was one of the best nights I’ve had in a while.

Sunday night was The Life and Times and Boris in Lawrence. Most people’s happy place, or where they feel like everything is right with the world, is while witnessing a sunrise, an evening walk on the beach, or a hot air balloon ride over endless grassy fields. Mine is watching The Life and Times, slightly sweaty, Jaeger and Red Bull in hand surrounded by, once again, good people (Megan, Brandon, John Agee, Rich…) I saw them for the first time six years ago and little has changed including the bass players guitar and Allen Epley’s ability to grow the best beard in human history. They are a huge part of my early twenties and hold somewhat of a nostalgic place in my heart.

It was somewhere between Boris and the hot pink drum kit of a Japanese drummer wearing a glittery vest with no shirt underneath, that I finally understood and related to this quote by Marilyn Mansion:

“Strangely, although music is something to listen to, I think music listens back because there are no judgments. A kid can find something he identifies with or an adult. Here is a place you can go to where there are no judgments.”

carlos can't cry.

There are moments in life when you feel alive and it’s more than abruptly being made aware of your heart beating or the blinking of your eyes.

It’s like you can finally make out the difference between you and your goldfish Carlos swimming around his fish bowl on top of your dresser and it’s more than hair vs. scales; gills vs. lungs.

My grandfather once had a figurine of a man sitting underneath a tree. On an outstretched limb above the gentleman’s head, a bird was perched with his hind feathers raised, taking aim. At the base of the figurine, reads: “Go ahead, everyone else does.” It’s moments in life when the only thing you can relate to is that stupid figurine.

Carlos never gets frustrated.

It’s agonizingly relating to the quote, “I never feel more alive than when my heart is breaking.”

Carlos can’t cry.

I recently drove home alone on a rainy Wednesday night when suddenly on the radio “Tiny Dancer” flooded the inside of my car. It was only then, when harmonizing with a homosexual senior citizen in bright purple rimmed glasses, I realized the boulevard really isn’t that bad.

Carlos will never have an epiphany.

It’s a perfect fall day, at the park with a cup of coffee and my favorite book.

Carlos can’t feel contentment.

It’s these moments, whether they carry tears of sorrow or joyous laughter that make us humans, human.

“As happens sometimes, a moment hovered and remained for much much more than a moment. And sound stopped, and movement stopped for much much more than a moment." -Of Mice and Men

(this was originally written sometime in May 2008)

um. a blog.

If you know me, you know that I’m a nurse by day and a struggling, sarcastic writer by night. since time has suddenly made itself available to me again (upon graduation and passing the NCLEX) I have decided to make a few of my rantings public. but in order to tell you what my blog IS, let me tell you what it IS NOT.

This blog is not about my daughter. Yes, she is the cutest little girl on this entire planet. Yes, she does the most hilarious things. But yes, I realize that most of the time it is only hilarious to me. I know that the majority of you out there do not care about how our day at the park went or fancy to hear how the birthday party turned out. I am not saying there will no Lola stories; it is just not what this blog is about.

This blog is not about politics. I want us all to be friends here. of course I have my own thoughts and opinions but debating politics is just not what this blog is about.

This blog is not a daily devotional. No leadership advice, no scriptural or spiritually challenging quotes. However, Jesus is a huge part of who I am and without his love and guidance, my life would not be what it is today (and my life is pretty awesome). I go to an amazing church that I actually look forward to attending. at jacob’s well, I learn more about my faith and hear the scriptures from an entirely different angle, so I am sure that will spark a few blog ideas. however, religion is just not what this blog is about.

A few more things:

This is my first official post. The previous posts were notes I wrote on facebook or blogs on myspace that I transferred over. (social networking dork alert)

I do not like capital letters or commas. Esthetically, I think they look like giant warts on a page.

I reserve the right to update as frequently or infrequently as I like.

and finally, enter at your own risk. MUHAHAHA!

a blog about airplane window malfunctions.

Oh the airplane. As a write this I am suspend some 30 thousand feet above the ground with nothing but a few inches of plastic and metal separating me from thin white clouds, roughly 530 mile per hour winds and oh yeah, death. I’m listening to Something About Airplanes by Death Cab (yes on purpose) and I notice we are flying so fast it looks like we are suspended in mid air.

Did you ever hear the story of the man who was flying on your average commercial airline (name of the airline withheld for legal purposes) when suddenly his window bursted open? If it wasn’t for the cat like reflexes of the stranger from Omaha sitting next to him, he would have been sucked through the window resulting in quite the fall. Can you imagine falling out a plane window to your death? The nursing student in me is having a hard time not wondering what would to your body. Would it crack and scatter like a watermelon? Or splat more like a tomato? Ew. Gross. (I feel sorry for the person who has to clean up THAT mess on aisle five.) Would you even feel yourself hit the ground?

How long would it take someone to fall 30 thousand feet? 30 seconds? A minute? Two minutes? I imagine my arms flailing, grabbing and searching the air for something, ANYTHING to stop my fall. Obviously that attempt would fail and now I’m in a struggle to stop my shirt from being blown over my head. (Hey, even in death I can have a little modesty.) Not only am I sailing through the air but now I can’t see and I’m going to die topless. Really? I guess being sucked out of an airplane was just the beginning of my worries.

But let’s pretend you had time to think. What would you be thinking about as you passed through the clouds? What would be running through your mind when the grass came into focus like a checkered board of browns and greens, as houses started to come into focus, then the streets and finally the cars parked on the side of the road and in driveways? Would you be screaming? Repenting of all your sins? What a person thinks about while falling 30 thousand feet to their unavoidable death screams volumes into who they are and how they lived their life. It’s too bad we can’t simulate this. Get pushed out of a plane and suddenly everything falls into focus-we could easily discover what we wanted to do with ourselves! That inner desire to do that one last thing would be unleashed and our biggest regrets would be revealed. Why did I waste my life at that stupid job? I should have gone to film school. I wish I had spent more time with my family. Why didn’t I go to church more often? Did I leave the curling iron on? Who is going to feed my cat…? Splat.

(I apologize for being insensitive if anyone who reads this has lost someone due to plane window malfunctions.)

I'm a genie in a bottle. baby.

If I had three wishes one of them would be to travel the world with a blink of an eye. Want to be in an Irish pub drinking a pint with the red-headed-full-bearded natives? BAM! You’re there. Wish to be in center of it all in Tokyo? Just close your eyes and feel the sea of people rushing past you and hear the taxi horns honking. Are you out of town on business and all you want is to sleep in your own king sized bed with your goose-feathered pillow? With this wish you can skip the whole commute home! Twinkle your nose and your standing in the middle of Madison Square garden in 1973 watching Zeppelin in their ninth North American tour. Did I mention this wish surpasses time and space?

But as your wishes are granted you can’t go back and change the past. (Right, Lost?!) So no crazy ideas like “I would go back in time and kill Hitler!” or “I would cast a love spell on Paul Newman circa 1967 and we would fall madly in love and have lots of babies” and certainly no “I would discover America and name the country after me!” Although awesome (especially the idea about naming America after yourself) it can’t happen. Sure you can attend these historic events (that’s kind of the point) but you can’t change history. So attend Christ’s’ execution, witness Leonardo Da Vinci paint the Mona Lisa or hop on board the Titanic. (Heads up: be sure to get on a lifeboat.) But you can’t suggest to Abe Lincoln: “Look I’ve heard that play sucks. You should just stay home tonight.”

That’s the rules. So, where would you go?

Top 10 Albums of 2009 (or seven albums released in ‘09, two that were not and one new artist)

#1 The Life and Times-Tragic Boogie

“You’re all I never wanted.”

A reporter once asked Allen Epley the difference between the success of Shiner and that of The Life and Times. His reply: female fans. (This may explain why every time I see him I turn into a tween at the premiere of Twilight.) Simply put, The Life and Times transcends gender, social economic class, sexual orientation, religion and martial status. Ok, that may be a bit of a stretch but if good rock music is what you’re into, you will appreciate this album. From beginning to end, “Tragic Boogie” carries that distinct poise of uniquely heavy, raw and ever so satisfying sound that is The Life and Times.

Listen to: Confetti

#2 Mew-No More Stories/Are Told Today/I’m Sorry/They Washed Away//No More Stories/The World is Grey/I’m Tired/Lets Wash Away

“Sometimes I’ve got nothing to say. Nothing to sing about.”

Mew reminds me of…. they sound similar to… if you mixed together…. oh screw it you can’t describe Mew. They bring a sound that can only hail from a place like Denmark. It’s experimental with European flair and self-confidence. Songs such as "Repeater Beater" and "Silas the Magic Car" induce a vision of an arena-sized audience singing along to this album that is strangely inspiring and encouraging.

Listen to: Hawaii

(Do you think these guys know how cool they are?)

#3 Silversun Pickups-Swoon

“And when I know you're safe and dreaming my escape plan’s in full swing.”

The Silversun Pickups are an industrial sounding rock band that somehow manages to stay easy on the ears and never feels overbearing. Each track on "Swoon" is over four and a half minutes long but avoids sounding redundant. Its lyrics are simple and effortless making it impossible for me not to sing along to. This album is the perfect follow up to "Carnavas," keeping their signature sound while showing their expanding talent and ability.

Listen to: The Royal We

#4 The Swell Season-Strict Joy

“I’m not what I promised you I would become.”

Could this be a record? The first time a band makes a top 10 list two years in a row? Even though they cheated in making the list last year (refer to Top Albums of 2008) The Swell Season easily fills the number four spot. "Strict Joy" may not be as straightforward as the "Once" soundtrack, but it still brings an air of sincerity. Glen Hansard’s voice is harsh and strong, yet pure and demands to be listened to and taken seriously. I believe this band is easily and often overlooked, but given the opportunity, will be hard to ignore for much longer.

Listen to: High Horse

#5 Them Crooked Vultures-Self Titled

“If sex is a weapon then smash! Boom! Pow! How you like me now?”

Wikipedia describes Them Crooked Vultures as “a rock super group.” Ah, ya think? (If Allen Epley makes me a prepubescent girl during Twilight, Josh Homme makes me a… well, you get the idea.) Them Crooked Vultures produced an album oozing natural talent and elaborately arranged elements. Songs like "New Fang" include multi layered, sexy sounds with intricate guitar parts. Seriously, what else were you expecting from Josh Homme, John Paul Jones and Dave Grohl?

Listen to: Mind Eraser, No Chaser

#6 The Dead Weather-Horehound

“I like to drag you by the hair and hang you up from the heavens.”

A collaboration of sorts, The Dead Weather combines the strength of Queens of the Stone Ages Dean Fertita, Alison Mosshart from The Kills and of course Jack White for an album that seeps dirty southern rock. "Horehound" is a bit rough around the edges creating dark and dusty songs like "Rocking Horse" and "I Cut Like a Buffalo." Jack White is a total bad ass and his mysterious, leather jacket wearing, old soul personally spills into his music and this album is no exception.

Listen to: Treat Me Like Your Mother

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7QSkI6My1g

#7 Appleseed Cast-Sagarmatha

“All sorrows are wasted on you.”

Speaking of easily overlooked, how come no one ever talks about this band? As a writer, I consider myself somewhat of a lyrics gal but this extremely instrumental album lured me in. Unlike some records that take a couple of “listen-through’s” to get into, "Sagarmatha" is immediately enjoyable from the very first song. With its smooth and groovy rhythms, I find myself constantly revisiting this album and enjoying it more and more with each listen. "Sagarmatha" may be one of the first heavily instrumental albums that I actually find satisfying without wishing the band would add lyrics.

Listen to: A Bright Light

(Sure, I listened to other new albums that came out this year, but truthfully, these are the only ones I felt like were worthy to be placed in a top 10 list. So instead of discussing mediocre albums just for the sake of taking up space, I decided to do an artist and two albums I “rediscovered” this year that I really enjoyed. So suck it.)

#8 Lady Gaga

“I saw Lady Gaga backstage but I almost didn’t recognize her because she wasn’t in orbit.” Ellen Degeneres

Before I lose all my music cred, let me explain. No, I don’t own "The Fame Monster" but Lady Gaga is one of the most mesmerizing and innovative pop stars to come along in years. As a classically trained pianist, she is truly talented and unique-someone who wears red lace over her entire body or nothing but plastic bubbles isn’t really worried about making a best-dressed list. Her performance on the Video Music Awards was beautifully tragic and watching her live is hypnotizing. She may not produce albums or be a musician like the other bands mentioned but is she an entertainer? A performer? An artist? Absolutely.

Listen to: Paparazzi

http://www.mtv.com/videos/misc/435679/paparazzi-live.jhtml

#9 The Arcade Fire-Funeral (2004)

“And if the snow buries my, my neighborhood…then I’ll dig a tunnel from my window to yours.”

There is a place for everyone in Arcade Fire including those who’s mothers made them take French horn lessons in high school and that guy who taught himself to play the xylophone. The multiple instrumentation in "Funeral" brings a sense of community and belonging. (No, it’s not just because four of the 10 songs on the album have the word “neighborhood” in the title.) I love the fullness and optimism of this band, which is manifested perfectly in "Wake Up" (also known as that song during the Where the Wild Things Are trailer that almost made you cry.) What other band are you going to find that incorporates the hurdy gurdy and makes it sound so cool?

Listen to: Wake Up

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NOkQ4dYVaM

#10 Fiona Apple-Tidal (1996)

“And it’s a sad, sad world when a girl will break a boy just because she can.”

I will admit this record has been on my ipod for years simply because of "Criminal." But with a classical and dreamy sound and lyrics that somehow combine vulnerability and girl power, Fiona Apple does more on this album then produce one of the best songs of the 90’s. She reveals a softer side in "Never Is A Promise" and jazz like inclination with "Slow Like Honey." But then there is the song "Criminal" and its overtly sexual and filthy video with offensively skinny girls in their underwear that for some reason makes me want to be Fiona Apple. "Tidal" blends the grunge and dirt of the 90’s with beauty and elegance and manages to make it all work.

Listen to: Sleep To Dream

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFOzayDpWoI&feature=channel

And why you are there, just for fun, watch this video too. (Unless you don’t like Zach Galifianakis)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u09s0uz0tEU&feature=channel

the flaming lips were right.

Have you ever noticed in Christmas letters people only mention the good things that happened to them throughout the year? Or they re-phrase situations to make 2009 sound more glorious than it actually was. "He was temporarily let go at the corporation to explore other options." (That dude got fired.) "Amidst the economic crisis, we decided to replace our SUV for a more practical vehicle and move into a smaller, more convenient living space." (They couldn't afford to pay their bills and had to downsize.) Lets be honest, this year was a total bombshell and if you had told the 2008 Brittney what would happen in 2009, I would have smiled and nodded my head to make you feel good about yourself, all the while thinking you were as nuts as Alexander “the great” and his droogs.

It's hard to think about 2009 pre the month of May, but lets give it a try. I turned 23. (Snooze.) I completed my junior year of nursing school. (Boring.) My brother got married in April and Halle was born later that summer. (There we go-Yahoo!) To celebrate the end of yet another school year, I visited Lou while she was working in Monterey/ San Francisco, California. As any time spent with Fong Zey, it proved to be astonishing. We saw real life whales and found the golden gate bridge with no map or GPS. In the middle of May, I started an internship at Children's Mercy Hospital. Let's stop here for a moment. This internship was huge. Adrian Brody’s nose huge. The experience of working at one of the best pediatric hospitals in the nation whilst being under the direct supervision of a nurse for three full months was truly an answer to prayer. It was paid, the exposure priceless, and perhaps most importantly, is going to look killer on my resume. Two days after starting at Mercy, Brandon proposed! It was one of those moments you wish you could inhabit, take up residence in. Then in June, one day before the death of Michael Jackson, I found out I was pregnant. Unfortunately for you, I am not going to write everything I felt for the next couple of months because, despite popular belief, this is facebook and not a personal diary, but I will be honest. In the mist of an unexpected pregnancy, I panicked. Even though your circumstance may have been different, I believe we all have experienced the feeling of sheer shock, realizing your life was changing forever when you least expected or least wanted it to.

One night at Jacobs Well Church, they spoke of Gods grace as a power source-a turbine is a wind field if you will. I needed God's grace in this manner more than ever in 2009 helping me through each day, and sometimes, each hour. But, luckily for me, it takes nine months to grow a baby and as the weeks passed by, panic turned into excitement as I matured and started to kind of like the idea of starting a family and becoming a mom. Brandon and I got married in October and I couldn’t have asked for a more flawless day. He is a great husband and realizing how much God has blessed us, we are eager to experience life by welcoming a child into it.

Now about those goals and resolutions I set last year. I wanted to listen to every song on my ipod A-Z. Oops. I made it to As Tall as Lions and then I sort of forgot. (Yo girl, you didn’t even make it through the first letter of the alphabet! It’s not looking very good.) I wanted to give money every time I saw a Salvation Army bell ringer. Ha! I did this one! Ok, I forgot once or twice but I really did make an effort and 99% of the time, I remembered my coin purse. Even though the grand total of what I gave was probably $5.67, I enjoyed making someone smile over loose change. I wanted to run a half marathon. Yes, this was also a goal in 2008 and if you have been reading this blog at all, you should have used conductive reasoning by now and concluded it didn’t happen in 2009 either. I wanted to write a novel or at least take a giant step towards writing one. Yes, I started my novel, but a giant step? It was more like a small hop.

So 2010, (Is it pronounced “two-thousand-ten?” “Twenty-ten?”) what shall I do with you? (First thing would be to learn to pronounce 2010 correctly.) I want to continue to write daily just as I have throughout my pregnancy. Why must something astounding happen in my life before I write about it? I hope to journal even during the “normalcy” and “blandness” that can be everyday existence. I would like to lose this freaking baby weight. (Being fat sucks.) I wish to graduate nursing school, (I think you all do too, so I will stop talking about it) pass the NCLEX and get a job in a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit or on a floor that will help me get into the NICU one day. I hope to have a healthy baby and be a mother exactly like mine. I want to use my life encounters to raise a confident individual who loves God, respects people and listens to good music.

But if there is one thing I have learned this year it is this: The Flaming Lips were right. “All we ever really have is now.” So honestly, that is my only real new years resolution: to be present, in the moment, looking forward to and prepare for the future but understanding we are only promised this instant.

Consider this your Christmas letter.