the wailing wall.

The Wailing Wall in Israel is the remains of a temple built by Harod and was believed to have been holy and inhabited by God himself. In the Jewish tradition, the Wailing Wall is the most sacred place on earth, the place one truly has the ear of God. People travel from all over the world to visit this holy site and slip prayers written on pieces of paper into the stone cracks along the Wall.

During Lent at Jacobs Well, we practice this tradition with a mock Wall in the lobby. We are constantly encouraged to write prayers of lament or gratitude to Christ and slip them into the cracks in our own Wailing Wall. I love this practice. Giving voice to your prayers by writing them down is frightening yet liberating. It’s almost like writing God a letter.

so if you absolutely knew God was listening, what would you say?

march is going to be awesome.

and this is why.

saturday, march 10: Westport 4 Mile St. Paddy's Day Run. I feel more prepared for this race than I have the other two I have ran since Lola was born. This is one of my favorite races in Kansas City and I haven't ran it in 3 years. I am excited to see how I do and officially get back into running.

sunday, march 11: RADIOHEAD! AT THE SPRINT CENTER! RADIOHEAD!

every sunday in march: a majority of Lent is during march. I love this time of the year, participating in Lent and engaging in the sermons and activities at Jacobs Well. This year we are studying the book and prophecies of Isaiah.

tuesday, march 13: let the madness begin! (college basketball march madness that is)

the week of the 19th: my mom's spring break. this means lunch dates, lola-free afternoons and getting some good and early sleep after work.

friday, march 23: The Hunger Games: the movie!

sunday, march 25: The return of Mad Men...finally.

saturday, march 31: my first "post-new years resolution" short story submission is due. I wrote about my mom during the death of grandma in a non-fiction piece called "Grief."

all this plus the simple joys of my job, spending time with lola and brandon while watching Top Gear and making new recipes. life is good.

the bell jar.

"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet, and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing al the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."

let's talk music. 2011.

my favorite new albums of 2011.

1. Bon Iver-Bon Iver

“And at once I knew I was not magnificent."

This year was tough. Honestly, the first five or six albums could have gone in any order. But as an entire album, from beginning to end, Bon Iver’s self titled release was the best of 2011. “Bon Iver” is extremely easy to listen to and you immediately get sucked into the lullaby like state he creates. From the very first song, “Perth,” you feel Bon Iver’s deliberate intent on making music that is professional and considered. Throughout the album, Bon Iver dramatically blends indie rock with hints of soul, rhythm and blues. “Holocene” is a fantastic song where you hear how Bon Iver puts actual thought into his music and is not afraid to try new things. The album ends on a high note with “Beth/Rest.” Even though his vocals can be difficult to understand with lyrics that can be perplexing, the perfect composition of electric keyboard, saxophone and guitar picks up any slack the lyrics leave behind. Bon Iver has done an incredible job on this album.

Listen to: Beth/Rest

2. M83-Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming

“Your body is like a lightening rod. Capsize me and toss me in your bay.”

They say when you know better, you do better. Now that I know the power of M83, I can say with confidence they are quickly becoming one of my favorite bands. “Hurry Up We’re Dreaming” takes unusual synthetic pop music and drenches it in the sounds of the 80’s like in “Ok Pal” and “New Map.” The single off the album, “Midnight City,” may be my favorite song of the year. The synthetic beat intro that is then repeated throughout the track is so damn good and catchy it makes me jealous I can’t construct something that creative. However, the album is a bit long (22 tracks) and loses me with songs like “My Tears Are Becoming A sea” and “Fountains.” Trim the fat of the six or seven interludes and this album may have been my #1.

Listen to: Midnight City

plus who knew Anthony Gonzalez was such a hunk?

3. Noah Gundersen-Family

“I want to hunt like David; I want to kill me a giant man. I want to slay my demons but I’ve got lots of them.”

“I wanted to ask you man, what do you do in the daylight?”

Best described by my husband as “if Bright Eyes could sing,” this singer-songwriter gives us emotionally driven lyrics backed by heavy and repetitive acoustic guitar melodies. This album is strangely religious using multiple biblical references yet at the same time Gundersen manages to create an atmosphere of darkness and talks candidly of the temptations of beautiful women. With lyrics such as, “…happy to be here with all of my family, hookers in heels and the men who watch them like hungry black eels” Gundersen uses simple imagery to create such a depressingly beautiful song in the title track“Family,” I don’t know whether to cry, be angry or thankful. Thanks to Sons of Anarchy and their flawless use of Gundersen’s music during their episodes, I cannot wait to hear more from this man.

Listen to: Fire

4. My Morning Jacket-Circuital

“Don’t you know that the meek shall inherent the earth?"

While nothing extraordinary, “Circuital” is classic My Morning Jacket that won’t disappoint fans. The first song, which is untitled, carries a thick and heavy bass line you can feel in your chest and the title track “Circuital” is playful yet sneaky and displays Jim James’ old soul voice. However, easily the best song on the album, “Holdin’ On To Black Metal,” comes out of nowhere and is the glue that holds “Circuital” together. The horn section is shrill, loud and perfect. The female choir providing the background vocals is expertly used and is the cream cheese frosting on this red velvet cake of a song. A bit country (“Slow Slow Tune”) and a touch of soul, (“The Day is Coming”) “Circuital” provides a variety of sounds that will appeal to just about everyone.

Listen to: Holdin’ On To Black Metal

5. St. Vincent-Strange Mercy

“I don’t want to be a cheerleader no more.”

For a while now, I have refused to become a fan of St. Vincent. Perhaps out of feminine jealousy-do I really need another female musician to remind me how uncool I am? But with her newest album, I can’t deprive myself of her music any longer. “Strange Mercy” is different, combining groovy, metallic and sultry beats throughout each song. St. Vincent perfects organized chaos and provides multiple unexpected twists like in “Surgeon” and “Chloe in the Afternoon.” Her raw talent on the guitar and immense ability to sing saturates “Strange Mercy.” As much as it pains me to say it, St. Vincent rocks…well for a girl anyway.

Listen to: Strange Mercy

beauty AND talent. take that Kim Kardashian.

6. Radiohead-King of Limbs

“I’m such a tease and your such a flirt.”

What’s better than waking up on an average morning with the unexpected news that you can download a new Radiohead album by the weekend? Um, nothing. I have to be honest, the first listen through of “Kings of Limbs” I was not impressed. But just like Owen Wilson’s crooked nose, it grows on you. It’s freaking Radiohead-even when its bad its good. “King of Limbs” carries classic Radiohead charm and proves they do whatever the hell they want and make the music they fancy. Each song on “King of Limbs” is individual and conveys its own personality. “The Daily Mail” is sensitive yet aggressive while “Codex”is haunting yet kind. A pleasant surprise towards the end of the album, “Give Up the Ghost” is a hopeless romantic type of a song full of melancholy and bittersweet melodies. In a musical world full of mass produced hits with overtly sexual lyrics and artists who put no effort into their skill, a band like Radiohead is a cool breeze on a hot day, always giving us something authentic and attentive.

Listen to: Give up the Ghost

7. Mastodon-The Hunter

“Just close your eyes and pretend that everything is fine.”

It’s loud. (But not too loud.) It’s heavy. (But not too heavy.) It’s Mastodon. While “The Hunter” is definitely metal music, I don’t get a strange aggression to pierce rusty nails through my eyelids while I listen to it. Unlike other heavy rock bands, Mastodon can be catchy without sacrificing their sound as in “Stargasm” and “All The Heavy Lifting.” It’s also refreshing to hear actual music from a metal band. “The Hunter” showcases Mastodon’s talent as musicians who are out to do more than just create disorder and earsplitting noises that insult Grandmothers and old church ladies. That’s not to say “The Hunter” isn’t loud or offensive. “Blasteroid” provides the right amount nostalgic screaming vocals to remind me of simpler times and “Bedazzled Fingernails” is anything but appropriate for little girls. Although a better album at the beginning than towards the end, “The Hunter” is energetic and enjoyable to listen to.

Listen to: Curl of the Burl

8. Death Cab for Cutie-Codes and Keys

“Cause when she sings I hear a symphony…oh how I feel alive and through autumn’s advancing, we’ll stay young, go dancing.”

Yes I am that loser that keeps putting Death Cab For Cutie in their top 10. It’s not just out of loyalty though-I actually really like this album. “Codes and Keys” is classic Death Cab that for some reason slipped under the radar. “Codes and Keys” carries an atmosphere of bliss and sweetness with tracks like “Portable Television” that encourage you to clap along and a title track that is theatrical and dance inducing. “St. Peter’s Cathedral” provides lyrics only Death Cab can: “It’s either quite a master plan or just chemicals that help us understand that when our hearts stop ticking this is the end and there is nothing past this.” As with recent Death Cab albums, it can be hit and miss as some songs outshine others (“Unobstuctive Views” vs. “Some Boys”) and at times the album can appear cheap. However in my opinion, Death Cab still has it…for now anyway.

Listen to: Unobstructive View

settling in. 2011.

It’s been a good year. A slow year. Dare I say, an uneventful year. (After 2010, monotonous was what I needed.) This year I settled into the role of being a full-time working nurse, mother to a toddler, husband to Brandon and trying to balance each of these without collapsing out of exhaustion and managing to take a shower at least every other day.

In 2011, I made my most expensive purchase ever. A home. To be honest, I dragged my feet throughout the process. I was scared of the commitment, responsibility, making the wrong investment or settling for less than perfect. (Gosh, I sound like a dude.) In the end, it was one of the best decisions we have made as a family. I absolutely love our neighborhood. We are both closer to work and less than 5 miles from the heart of the city. Needless to say, I left Blue Springs and pretty much never looked back. Come over?

We adopted a sponsored child from Nicaragua through World Vision. Her name is Omara and she is the exact same age as Lola. When you sign up to sponsor a child, you pick if you want a boy or girl, their age, what country they are from, etc. It was extremely emotional. You literally just scroll through name after name, face after face of children who need help. I was having a hard time just randomly picking a child, so to narrow it down we entered Lola’s birthday. We have truly established a relationship with Omara and her family receiving letters, pictures and updates on a monthly basis. I wish we could sponsor 100 more.

As always, 2011 provided many victories, moments of comic relief and tragedies. Osama Bin Laden was killed which led to many strange and violent status updates by otherwise elegant people and Casey Anthony was found not guilty of the death of her three year old daughter dubbing her the OJ Simpson of this generation. Egypt and Libya protested their way to change and Joplin was destroyed by a tornado.

Congressman Weiner showed us his…wiener (I’m sure he knows how to send a direct message NOW) and I caught Royal Wedding fever. I tried so hard not to care but as the day came I found myself glued to the TV and extremely jealous I didn’t get to walk down the aisle while choirboys sang on each side.

The US Women’s Soccer Team proved once again that girls are better than boys by making it to the 2011 World Cup finals. These beautiful and athletic women proved you can be hot and still kick a guy’s ass.

My heart is full of thanks for everything God has provided for my family and I this year. As cliché as it sounds, God has been good to us and blessed us. Yes Brandon and I have worked hard but I believe God has filled in the gaps.

If 2012 were exactly like 2011 I would be ok with that. Last year my resolution was to live a life less cluttered. I must admit I struggle with filling my days with hobbies and adult busy work. I want to limit my crafting (I have other avenues of “me time” I enjoy more anyways) and spend more quality time with my family. I want to focus on Lola and these precious early years in her life. My little buddy, sometimes by little “destroyer-of-all-things-especially-things-I-just-put-away-or-cleaned-up” won’t be home all day with me forever. I get five years. Five years before she starts kindergarten. I don’t want to rush through, busying myself with unnecessary chores. I want to engage with her, get to know her, spend time molding her into who she is and wants to be. I always tell her how much I love her and how she is the most important thing in my life. I need to start acting like it.

I want to write more. Always. I want to attend writing classes, read more on how to be a better writer, expand my writing skills. I want to enter writing contests, get my name out there, become vulnerable and explore opportunities that may be available.

I know I have little to no control over this but I want to see Mew live.

I want to own a scooter. (Against my mother’s well wishes.) A Vespa to be exact. Laugh all you want, it’s going to be bitchin’. I want to participate in Lent. Last year I did this for the first time and it was a humbling experience. I want to continue being patient in my job and career trusting God and his timing, making myself available and learning when to wait and when to go.

I want to run. I want to participate in 8 runs throughout Kansas City this year. The distance is not important (most of them I’m sure will be 5K’s) but something that will keep me accountable throughout the year to better myself and become more active and healthy.

(And for those of you who are sure to ask, no baby this year. Or the next. Not if we can help it.)

Now that you have heard about my year, I want to hear about yours. In 2012, I encourage you to write your story. Because if you won’t who will?

2011 in tweets.

January

“Mark my words: Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark are on their way to becoming household names. Read "The Hunger Games" NOW!”

February

“Loved Oscar night! Wish Banksy would have won and Social Network but congrats to Trent Reznor for somehow getting even cooler.”

March

“Last night was a perfect example of how at times I feel unequipped and ill prepared to do my calling. Thankful for grace and end of shifts.”

April

“Sucked into #royalwedding mania. Her dress: gorgeous. The cathedral: breathtaking. All that tradition and those hats! It’s all so fascinating.”

May

“If this is my last full day on earth I am going to be pissed I spent it paying bills and watching the Real Housewives.”

June

“Soccer rules. #worldcup”

July

“"It's almost like J.K. Rowling invented a color." -Steve Kloves, Screenwriter #harrypotter #potterhead”

August

“I dislike Eminem so much I couldn't bring my self to sit through his show even if it meant seeing The Flaming Lips. #sorrykanrocksas”

September

“I'm usually not into blondes but I must admit I have a slight crush on Jax. #sonsofanarchy”

October

“Just got done working 16 hours. Goodnight.”

November

“Firing of Joe Paterno? I'm ok with it. You can't let a child molester coach/be around your team no matter how old or legendary you are. #duh”

December

“There is only one team I am happy to see the packers lose to. CHIEFS! (Sorry Rogers. I still like you though) #anygivensunday"

the lords will.

Tim Keel from Jacobs Well had this to say on Sunday about the Lord's will. It has completely rocked my thinking.

Ephesians 5: “Be very careful then how you live. Not as unwise but as wise. Making the most of every opportunity because the days are evil, therefore, do not be foolish but understand what the lords will is.”

What is the Lords will? The Lord doesn’t have a will for whether you marry this person or that person, take this job or that job, live in this city or that city. That’s not what God’s will is about. That’s a pagan way of understanding the Lord’s will. Greek pagan people would go to the temple of the seer (oracle) and they would flip a coin into the deal and whichever way it would turn out you would say, “Lord do you want me to do this or do you want me to do you that?” That’s the pagan way.

The only time the Lord’s will is ever used in the New Testament is in regard of you being in Christ Jesus. You want to know what the Lords will is? Jesus Christ in your life. After that, have wisdom. That’s why maturity is so important. Then whether you turn to the right or you turn to the left, we read in the prophet Isaiah, you will hear a voice behind you saying, “This is the way. Walk in it.”

So what is the Lords will for you? (Ephesians 5) verses 18-20 “Do not get drunk on wine.” Why? Because you’re being animated by the spirit. Do not get drunk on fear. Do not get drunk on anxiety. Do not get drunk on news, which leads to debauchery. Instead “be filled with the spirit that manifests itself in this way; speak to one another with palms, hymns and songs.” Soundtrack! Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord! Go through your life singing and making music to the Lord! That’s Gods will for you! Amen?

What is the music playing in the background of your life? You live the way you listen. How are you using your time? What is filling and animating your life? –Tim Keel

The entire sermon audio if you want to hear more: http://www.jacobswellchurch.org/sermon_audio# Sept. 11, 2011