Blue Valentine.

Blue Valentine is an accurate and honest look at love and where all serious relationships-whether or not they stay in that place-find themselves. It truthfully depicts the seasons of companionship: the infatuation, sensitive conversations, difficult decisions and unforeseen circumstances.

Ryan Gossling and Michelle Williams could not have been more perfectly cast. The dialogue is simple and real and interactions, believable.

Cindy and Dean are a young married couple and throughout the film, you bounce back and fourth from present day of there dissolving marriage to when they first fell in love. Each character has something to admire: Cindy is caring and independent while Dean is quirky and subtly suave.

So what happened? Whose fault was it that they went from flirting on a subway to talking about divorce in the middle of their parent’s kitchen? The answer is complex just as it is with real life marriages but it seemed to me Cindy became selfish and uncommunicative while Dean refused to mature and accept the life he had chosen.

Of course you can’t talk about this movie without talking about sex. This film was once rated NC-17 not because the sex scenes were so graphic but because the sex between Cindy and Dean was made out of angst and aggression. It was uncomfortable to watch as two people who have clearly emptied themselves of emotion towards one another try to make love. But in a crumbling marriage, would you expect it to be any other way?

The more I thought about, the more I enjoyed this film. It’s hard to say why I liked a movie so much that made me feel depressed and even empty. Perhaps it’s because in a Hollywood world full of Cinderella’s and Princes it nice to see a movie opening dialogue about relationship troubles-and maybe in some ways that kind of honesty can bring…hope.

Tyler Durden and Less Clutter (2010)

Holy Connolly. 2011. I’m sure you all are anxiously awaiting my recap of 2010. With a child, quiet moments of reflective thoughts are replaced with making sure she doesn’t eat pennies or toilet paper and listening to Elmo Song. But alas here I am, so let’s start this recap shall we?

February 24, 2010-Let the year of Lola commence! Having a child is everything they say it is: exciting, frustrating, exhausting, beautiful, disgusting, hilarious and so on and so forth. If anything changes your life quicker or faster I am not sure what it is. It certainly has not been easy and I know having a child isn’t for everyone but there are just these moments and experiences you encounter with a child that you cannot replicate with a dog or niece or nephew.

In May, I graduated nursing school on a Saturday and drove to Chicago to see Them Crooked Vultures the following Monday. Best weekend ever? I think so.

After graduation it was time to study for the NCLEX. Basically if you don’t pass this test you don’t become an RN until you do. I studied hard: a couple hours a day, 5-6 days a week. On July 2 after 5 hours and 51 minutes, 275 questions (you read that right: that test was 275 questions long and took me almost 6 hours to take) and 48 hours of excruciatingly painful waiting, I found out I passed. I was officially, legally a Registered Nurse. It was one of the most liberating, exciting and purpose-confirming moments of my life.

(And here is where I pause to say thank you: thank you to my husband, parents and in laws who made the transition into motherhood and from student to full time working girl achievable. I didn’t do it alone and could not have done it without you.)

After an extraordinary (but friggin’ hot) summer, we came home on a Saturday in September to a tampon floating in our hallway. Our entire apartment had flooded with over an inch of sewer water. It’s such a daunting feeling opening your front door and seeing that the things you own have been ruined. Of course its just “stuff” but it was our stuff and we didn’t have “much” to begin with. (I use quotes here not to insult those we actually don’t have much.) Brandon’s computer: gone. Our couch: gone. CD’s from high school: gone. 2 of Lola’s photo albums and the hospital scrub top that Brandon wore during her delivery with her newborn footprints on it: gone. Our down payment for a house savings: now gone to replace the things that were destroyed.

During this time though, I couldn’t help but think about those involved in hurricane Katrina or any other major natural disaster. Some of our things had been spared and eventually we would replace the carpet, douse the place in bleach and be able to move back in. But what if all you could do was sit on your roof, waiting for relief while literally every material thing you own was now floating around in your living room? This thought really put things in perspective and made me thankful things were not worse and empathetic towards those in similar situations.

Globally, 2010 was filled with tragedy, triumph and controversy. The world watched together as 33 Chilean miners were rescued after 69 days below ground and as Spain beat the Netherlands in the 2010 World Cup. Julian Assange induces worldwide panic with WikiLeaks (which is best described as “some Tyler Durden shit”) and Mel Gibson officially loses his mind. WHAT?!

But as in all yearly recaps we look forward to coming days. So what about 2011?

While discussing house buying and finances over coffee one evening (gosh we sound like a riot, don’t we?) my dear friend Craig said, “True satisfaction is delayed gratification.” So what are my resolutions for 2011? Last year my only real goal was to be present, in the moment, looking forward to and prepare for the future but understanding we are only promised this instant. But if last year was focused on the present, may 2011 focus on the future. It may sound bizarre and boring but I want to live a life less cluttered, removed of excess and hasty decisions-from buying clothes, to eating habits to managing our finances. Continuously and daily asking myself, do I really need this 30-dollar headband? Another slice of pizza? Are we ready to buy a home? Is this the medical mission trip I should go on? Or am I just a shopaholic, an overweight American who doesn’t know when to stop, wrongfully eager to keep up with the Jones or too anxious and inexperienced? It’s true: anything worth having is worth waiting (and working hard) for.

Since when did my blog get so serious? Farts, boobies and something about having Jude Laws babies. I’m still here, people.

thanks.

I am thankful for

my daughter.

Its funny how God knows what I need better than I do.

my job.

sure it can be stressful when your patient is internally bleeding with a blood pressure of 60/30, having to transfuse blood for the first time and placing a nasogastric tube all in your first month off orientation but I absolutely love what I do. I love it even more knowing this is exactly where I am suppose to be, for now. The prospect of helping people in this way (not just here but overseas) while being stretched and learning new things daily makes me excited this is what God called me to do for the rest of my life.

my husbands job. and my husband.

no longer being in school.

there is not one fiber of being that misses being a student. Every time I see students at work or hear one of those “get ahead; go back to school!” ads on TV my heart says a silent but sincere “thank you” that I never have to and probably never will.

my apartment.

small but mighty it is. I love our tiny place and everything in it.

my family.

and a dependable car. hummus. coffee sleeves. my health. the ability to walk and talk and think for myself and communicate with others. don draper. jacobs well. the chiefs not completely sucking this year. bed sheets. clothes. chipotle burritos. diapers. the means by which to buy these things. mew. colder weather. the library...etc…etc…

and consuming thousands of calories today without an once of guilt.

Little Children

There are very few movies/books that captivate me and keep my mind occupied long after its end. "Little Children" is one of those stories. My stomach churned in desire and angst in this story about lust and adultery, unexplained attraction and expectations in ourselves and others.

One of my favorite parts of the whole book is how the author explains why Todd (the main character) choose to do what he did in the end. It is so painfully and tragically true and at the same time so simple and completely obvious. (vague? It was suppose to be, to spark your interest.) If anyone wants to start a book or movie club and discuss "Little Children," I am all game because I have a lot to say, more than I could ever hope to fit into a blog.

Warning: if you close your eyes during sex scenes or are uncomfortable with "adult" situations, this book is probably not for you. But let's be honest, Patrick Wilson is HAWTT.

Wherever You Go

Wherever You Go by Mike Crawford at Jacobs Well is the most beautiful and honest song I have heard in a very long time. Period. In August, Isaac Anderson preached on Psalms 121 with a message entitled: Song For Fragile People (We Know Who We Are) and to paraphrase: “If this Psalm isn’t true, we are all screwed.” This is the best sermon I have ever heard and trust me, with my evangelical upbringing, I have sat through my fair share of sermons. Go here for the sermon audio: www.jacobswellchurch.org/sermon_audio

There is so much that I love about this message, but my main focus is this: At the end, he says: “This Psalm is for the sleepless, the sick, the single parents, the heartbroken, the helpless, the stressed out, the unemployed, the underpaid, the lonely, the terrified, the guilty, the numb. This Psalm is for anyone whose life is fragile.” (Hence, it is for us all, whether we need this reminder now or at a later time in our lives.) At communion, Mike sang this song, repeating what Isaac had said:

Wherever you go, there will I be.

Down south or up north

out west or back east.

Whichever direction by land or by sea.

Wherever you go there will I be….

I will be hanging around.

I will be on your side.

When it seems like I am far away…

When there is no one left to blame…

When you go astray,

no matter the place, what city or state.

Even today.

Even today.

This song/Psalm* is for the guilty and numb.

This song is for the terrified.

This song is for the stressed out.

YOU know who we are.

This song is for the unemployed.

This song is for the underpaid.

This song is for the single parents.

This song is for the fragile people.

YOU know who we are.

http://mikecrawfordmusic.com/2010/08/my-friend-isaac (Here you can find an acoustic version of the song but it is missing the “rant” that Isaac did at the end of his message, but you can get the idea.) I love the perspective in which this song is written. It’s refreshing to hear God tell me through verse, “I am NEVER going anywhere!” Instead of a sermon or song encouraging me to try and make sense of, or find strength in, or meaning during a tough situation, Isaac simply reminds us that the LORD HIMSELF watches over you. I look back on times in my life where I have felt lonely, stressed out, guilty, terrified: being rejected from Evangel, finding out I was pregnant, taking care of a 2-year-old little boy who had been beaten to a vegetated state by his own mother, standing in the middle of my bedroom up to my ankles in sewer water, watching my mom grieve and slip into a difficult depression (enter your own moment here) and I Thank God that he DID and he DOES know exactly what I am going through.

“I know everything about your life. I am aware. I am not asleep. I am watching over you, HANG IN THERE; I AM RIGHT THERE WITH YOU.”

*For all intent and purposes, throughout this blog, use the word “Psalm” and “Song” interchangeably.

my favorite month of the entire year.

It's already four days into October and the only word I can use to describe fall is "scrumculesent." I love everything about pumpkins, cardigans (sorry mike) football, lattes and sleeping with the windows open. The leaves are beginning to change and it makes my heart smile. I am trying to enjoy and be present each day because I know before I blink my eyes, it will July again.

only the best weekend that ever was.

Lets start with Friday night. I surprised Laura by having Heather, Tanya, Molly and Sydni (friends from college that have since relocated to places other than Kansas City) come up for the weekend for somewhat of a going away party. Laura thought it was just going to be her and I eating at McCoys, when SURPRISE! the girls were waiting at a table for us when we got there.

There are a handful of people in my life that are just good people: Self-confident, non-judgmental, witty, genuine, and simply said, fun to be around. These ladies are some of those friends.

It was a carefree night, giggling like high school-ers. We ate. We laughed. We shared secrets and experiences and gave advice. We stayed up till 4am and paid for it the next day. It was one of the best nights I’ve had in a while.

Sunday night was The Life and Times and Boris in Lawrence. Most people’s happy place, or where they feel like everything is right with the world, is while witnessing a sunrise, an evening walk on the beach, or a hot air balloon ride over endless grassy fields. Mine is watching The Life and Times, slightly sweaty, Jaeger and Red Bull in hand surrounded by, once again, good people (Megan, Brandon, John Agee, Rich…) I saw them for the first time six years ago and little has changed including the bass players guitar and Allen Epley’s ability to grow the best beard in human history. They are a huge part of my early twenties and hold somewhat of a nostalgic place in my heart.

It was somewhere between Boris and the hot pink drum kit of a Japanese drummer wearing a glittery vest with no shirt underneath, that I finally understood and related to this quote by Marilyn Mansion:

“Strangely, although music is something to listen to, I think music listens back because there are no judgments. A kid can find something he identifies with or an adult. Here is a place you can go to where there are no judgments.”