A Life Authentic.

I go to a church now that is very different from the one I attended as a child. Let me preface with saying that I owe who I am and where I am in life to the way I was raised. However my faith and what it means to me is in an entirely different place now.

I no longer want spirituality based off emotions. I want to honor the rituals and traditions of the church that have been lost and disregarded in an attempt to please and lure in the masses. I want to practice and participate in the church calendar, engaging in the different seasons and move from disingenuous, fake and crowd pleasing to authentic, holy, meditative and personal.

Somehow church services have become more focused on lights, cool videos and neat graphics. It has turned Sunday mornings into some sort of media production instead of a time of teaching, genuine reflection, community and revitalizing of the soul.

For the first time in my life I believe my faith is not having someone else think for it-it is finally thinking for itself. It’s not being spoon-fed how I should feel or being told the questions I am allowed and not allowed to ask or what I should think on certain social issues.

I want to ask questions and not feel guilty in doing so. Asking questions does not show vulnerability or weakness. I am learning to live in the tension of my unanswered questions. To sit in that space for however long God keeps me there: not just sweeping past the answers like I already know them. Certain things will never make sense. There are several issues I believe our human minds will never comprehend (God made it that way) and in our attempt to find reason or explain them, we cheapen God’s mystery and demonstrate our lack of trust in him. Sometimes it is just enough to believe; we don’t always have to understand.

I don’t want to be “trendy.” I want to actually believe in the things I say I do and not so I can associate myself with people of a certain fashion. I want to follow Jesus. I want my beliefs and spirituality to be centered and molded around Jesus, not the other way around. I want to live like I actually believe Jesus is active, present and involved in my life. That he is there for advice and direction, showing us the best way to live and what is truly important. I want to see him in every dimension! I want to do all things, think all things, believe all things, in love, considering love as Christ taught and lived out. For without it, I am nothing.

Lola.

Donald Miller writes, “Love is something that happens to us and a decision we make.” I understand this because Lola happened to me. Having a child has allowed me to experience love, vulnerable love, a love that could destroy me and wreck my life yet brings me the simplest, purest joy available on this earth.